I'm pretty good at poker.
But that's probably because I've never actually played with real money. I doubt I'd be very good under those circumstances.
Because I am not a risk-taker. I hate risks.
And adoption? Kind of risky. But at least with my other three, I knew that as long as I persisted long enough, I would get my children.
This time, I have no idea.
I spent all day working on the adoption for that little guy.
It was a really rough day. I wish I could vent about it, but it would not be very wise for me to do so here. After all, this is a public blog.
So let's just say that after Meeting #1 with Person #1, I left the office in tears, broken-hearted and absolutely infuriated. I immediately went up one more floor to try to meet with the Big Boss. He was not in. His secretary did not know when he would be in. Tomorrow is a holiday, and next week he is going on vacation. It's December 8th, and I would not have another chance to talk to him until January.
I called Amy H. at Forever Angels, then I called our lawyer, and blubbered my way through those conversations. We made a plan for January.
Since I was already downtown, I walked around, looking for some things I need for HOPAC's Christmas Fun Day on Saturday. I was looking for large sheets of plastic to make a Slip n' Slide, and each shopkeeper kept directing me farther and farther down the street. When I finally found it, bought it, and made it back to my car, another hour had past.
On a whim, I called the secretary again. "He's come back early!" she told me. "Come up now!"
So I ran back up the five flights of stairs. And then I sat there outside his office and waited for two more hours while he was in another meeting.
We talked, I cried again, and he directed me to talk to yet another person, next week. Someone who will be in the office.
Right before I left, he off-handedly mentioned that he wasn't supposed to be in the office this afternoon. He had been in a conference and been sent back early for another reason.
I was happy for that tiny reminder that God is in this.
And I need that, because this is riskier than any of my other adoptions. I don't know how this will end up. So far, it doesn't look good. Yet I can't seem to shake the conviction to keep going. But I know already, based on my reaction to conversations today, that it will really, really hurt if we hit a dead end.
And I don't like that.
But I'm all in.
So here I go.