Some people seek thrills by jumping out of planes or riding roller coasters. I get dopamine hits from crossing things off of lists.
This makes me an excellent employee. A pretty good principal. A mom whose is not very fun, but whose kids' teeth are brushed and bellies are fully of vegetables. A Christian who reads her Bible just about every day.....but will often choose the task that needs her instead of the person who needs her.
I hate sitting back and waiting when there's something productive that can be done. Which means that I am right smack dab in the middle of a point in life that is driving me crazy. Oh, don't get me wrong--I am plenty busy. The problem is that just about every aspect of my future is an unknown right now. Five months from now, I will be jobless and homeless. Five stinkin' months, People. This is not okay with me.
I can't visualize where I will be and what I will be doing and what will be happening with my children because I don't know. And I can't know. Though Gil and I are dutifully researching and making inquiries and sending resumes, there's not a lot of places--especially schools--that hire people eight months out.
Which means I have to wait. I hate waiting. I'd rather seize control of my life and get the job done. Make a plan. Get all the things crossed off my list. Come on, let's get moving here!
As Jesus as and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
In my case, instead of complaining about my sister, I'm complaining about my God. Come on, God, get it together! We're working hard here, trying to figure out our life. We're ready for an answer, a plan. Our lives are dedicated to you, after all. We're all about serving you. So why aren't you helping us?
Sheesh. It sounds bad when I put it that way.
Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.
Distracted. All of my planning and hard work and productivity are just distractions? Seriously? I'm not feeling very affirmed here, God.
But yes. I am distracted. The One Thing most important to me is Having a Plan. The One Thing most important to Jesus is that I sit at his feet and listen to him. Sitting? Listening? When there's so much to do? Argh. I don't like this.
Recently, in the midst of my impatience with the lack of control I have over my future, a hymn came to me from my childhood. I most certainly was bored with this one as a kid, with its thys and thines and slow plodding cadence. But it lodged in my brain and now? I bring it to mind almost every day.
Have Thine own way, Lord
Have Thine own way
Thou art the potter, I am the clay
Mold me and make me after Thy will
While I am waiting yielded and still
You know what I found out? The writer of that hymn, Adelaide Pollard, wrote those words while frustrated by her attempts to raise support to be a missionary in Africa. How do you like that?
Yielded and still. Were you a Martha, Adelaide? Because waiting while "yielded and still" sounds like a pretty good goal for me right now. I'll add it to my list.
|Hume Lake, CA, July 2019 (Gil Medina)|